“Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.”

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are phobic, don’t press anything.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fiddle with the * key until a representative comes on the line.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, post code, phone number, email address, date of birth, nationality, and mother’s maiden name.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up now. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.